Souls.

My mother is in NY. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1995 with a recurrence in 1997. Recently, we came to find that the cancer metastasized to her lungs and her bones. In addition, her lungs have been compromised by asthma and COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) for years prior to this latest development. She has decided to treat the cancer aggressively with chemotherapy – a decision she did not make lightly, but when her doctors told her that without this treatment, she would likely have about 6 more months to live, we all encouraged her to choose the chemo.

She accepted the possibility of losing her hair, and the likelihood of some nasty side-effects, but we all assured her that if she felt her quality of life was suffering, she could at any time, discontinue the chemo, and find a way to live through the process of dying. So, she chose the chemo.

What none of us anticipated was that her other lung problems might get in the way of a routine regimen of chemotherapy. Twice now, she has started the chemo treatments, only to find herself hospitalized each time because she has had several episodes of struggling to breathe. Of course, I feared that it was the cancer strangling her lungs, but the doctors indicate that the cancer has not progressed, and rather it is her COPD and/or asthma that are being stimulated, perhaps by the cancer, perhaps by the chemo. We don’t know.

We do know, however, she can not re-start the chemo until she is off the anti-biotics they are giving her to treat any infection that may have brewed within her lungs. We do know also that she has had only two or three very irregular chemo treatments. Does this mean she really hasn’t started her treatment? Is the clock ticking? Will I see her for Christmas? Should I get on a plane now? How do I explain to my 8 year old daughter what is happening to her favorite NY Gramma?

These are some of the questions I watch float across my mind. Some of them need answers right away, some of them can wait. Some of them are impossible to know. Being able to sort through them and balance which ones to focus on, and which to let go, is one way that I am keeping myself from being swept away by anxiety and overwhelm.

This Friday, I will fly to California to see one of my dearest cousins. I am going there to say good-bye. In the last two months, she has been diagnosed with adenocarcinoma, a glandular cancer that is often connected to the lungs. Like my mother, she has trouble breathing too. The doctors have told her there is no treatment to cure her, only to help keep the cancer at bay. They have told her she has weeks to live.

Some people believe that there is no meaning behind events like these. Some believe these events happen because of something we did or did not do at some point in our past – karma? Some believe illness, accidents, all external events, for that matter, serve a purpose. In fact, some believe that we create these events in our lives as opportunities to learn and grow and remember truly “Who You Really Are.” That these events call on us to plumb the depths of our being – to come to know that our Souls merely are contained by our bodies; our bodies do not define us; our Souls never die. Death is merely a giving way of the physical form. The body will disintegrate. The Soul, on the other hand, is permanent. It is that God-place in us all, beyond us and within us. You don’t have to be religious to know it. You don’t have to call it God. Call it The One, Spirit, The Divine, Allah, Yahweh, Peace, Soul, whatever you like…It doesn’t matter. But if you have ever felt the peace that comes with connecting with Nature; by being moved by a work of art, music, theater, writing; by being touched by the intimacy of a loved one, you have experienced a moment of the Divine. It is there all the time, we just forget that it is, and that we have access to it, always…

I wonder if both my mother and my cousin think me naïve knowing I believe the latter. I would agree that until I am faced with the knowledge of my imminent death, it is impossible for me to know exactly how I would feel or how I would be handling myself. Of course, the imminence of our deaths is always there, we just aren’t aware of it in the same way one with a diagnosed terminal illness is… I hope my mom and my cousin can find that Peace within. I hope they won’t be afraid. I hope they can allow all their feelings to emerge and allow themselves to experience them deeply, knowing they are loved and protected even as the functions of their bodies fade. I hope they believe that their Souls live forever, no past, no future, just now, just forever. I hope they believe once their bodies cease to live, the true essence of Who They Really Are will be Light, Joy, Bliss, and complete Wholeness.

For the time being, as my feelings arise, my sadness about losing each of them before I am ready, and the helplessness over not being able to change the course of these events, I allow the emotions to just be: I cry. I write. I hold my daughter. I sit. I breathe. I watch.